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This is 40

Woman sitting on bed with balloons tied to the bed

Welcome to my new Blog. Many of you are new. For those of you who have read my old one, you witnessed and felt my liberation, my empowerment, and my struggle. My 30’s were indeed a big life lesson for me. Forgiving my past hasn’t been easy. Reading through some of my old posts made me realize how far I’ve actually come.

Divorce, two young kids, alone, no education, no sense of financial structure. No sense of direction or consistency; sexually, financially, in relationships, my health, and my kids. Lets face it, I just didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I was doing it. Getting through day by day. I wasn’t happy. I hated my job that felt so unfulfilling. I needed to recoup. This seemed impossible, until the kids were old enough to be on their own.

When I decided to go back to school, I knew it would be hard. I was so scared. With the help of some friends, I decided to take the medical aesthetic program. I needed a career, something I loved, and something that would give me some routine back into my life. What I didn’t know was how hard it would actually be.

I registered and started school three weeks after I had decided to do it. I cut back my hours at work and had to rely on my village of people helping me with my kids. I couldn’t keep up. Financially, I was drowning. I knew at this point the smartest thing to do was to sell my home, downsize to a small basement suite, until I had my feet back on the ground. That was a big pride pill to swallow. Realizing what I should have done different, learning from it, and getting out before I lost everything. The struggle wasn’t over just yet.

Day by day, week by week, the closer I was to graduating, the more of a victim I was becoming. I was exhausted… emotionally, physically, financially. Blaming my ex, blaming my up-bringing, defining myself as a ‘single mom’, finding ways to feel sorry for myself, my situation and how I got there. Luckily for me, I am and always have been surrounded by positive, amazing, supportive people.

My oldest brother reached the end of his rope listening to my bitch sessions on how my life wasn’t fair, and decided to send me this:

“Heard your call today. I think its time for you to hear some things that I’ve been holding in for some time. You know that I love you and cherish you so its time for some tough love. Big Brother advice that will piss you off but its time for you to hear it.

GROW UP!! STOP BLAMING!!! You blame mom, dad, (your ex) and everyone else for everything. Stop complaining. Stop complaining about your life, your job, your education, it’s enough. That was never you. You are fucking better than that! Stop saying ‘that’s my life, or FML, cause you will continue to attract shit to you. Your life will mirror back to you the exact way you think, so if you are constantly saying FML, your life will fuck you back. PERIOD. You are doing this because you took the shitty parts of (your x) the blamer, the complainer, “life revolves around me” attitude and unconsciously modelling it.

Erase the parts of you that make you feel like a victim, or you will never get your true self back. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! Take charge of your life. You can respond in 2 ways. You can respond and get mad or take what I’m saying and make 2016 the best year ever. FOR REAL.

Love you to bits, your big brother”

Um okay, explosion of tears!! I really didn’t know how to handle that. My first reaction was to get angry and cry. He didn’t understand, I’m trying here! I started with nothing, on my own, no education, no real job, two small kids. I didn’t deserve that, my kids didn’t deserve that! No wait a second, “I AM BETTER THAN THAT!” Shut up already.

Thanks to him handing me shit on a silver platter, I had no choice but to face what I had become. Truth is, my up-bringing, my crappy marriage, my shitty divorce, my struggle to stay a float, had NOTHING, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness. I had to put it all behind me once and for all so when I look behind me its no longer there. Forgiving myself was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I allowed abusive behavior in my marriage, I allowed myself to be victimized, I allowed myself to settle, I allowed myself reasons to bitch about my life. How do I eliminate this feeling? How do I really put it past me? How do I let it go?  Why was it taking so long to move on? Looking back, I just wasn’t doing the right things. So here are some pointers if you’re feeling sorry for yourself today…

First, stop talking about it! I have no problem with people asking me questions about my past. In fact, I embrace it, especially someone going through the same experience. Saying that, I don’t bring it up anymore. I don’t identify myself to “that story” anymore. So when I chat with people, its not “You’ll never believe what I went through”. I find it better to say things like, “this is what I have learned”. That way I don’t feel like I get caught up in other peoples drama and allowing that negative energy into my own life. Giving myself room to concentrate on my own issues, and how to better myself. This was learned the hard way, yet again helping close friends in their marriages. The only thing I learned in that, is people get hurt and friendships can be ruined with your opinion. I most likely will never do that again.

Second, take action. Nothing else to be said here, if you don’t actually take action nothing will ever change. Seek counseling, make choices, follow through, believe in yourself, and talk to the right people; less talk more action.

Third, surrounding yourself with positive people, Period! There’s is nothing better in this world than having relationships with my family and friend that don’t judge, have no expectations,  support me, and love me for who I’ve become. Were the tears all worth it? Is it worth losing ‘your stuff?’ Starting from scratch over and over again, really worth it?

YES!! Yes, it is. Too many people get stuck in a rut, hating their jobs, but doing them anyways. Hating their marriages/relationships, but staying in them. Hating this or hating that. Becoming victims of their own selves and not doing a damn thing about it.

I did!!  I did something about it. Realizing the courage that it takes to do what I did, hadn’t hit me till I was surrounded by people living in misery for whatever reason; for their kids, their church, their security, what people thought, doing the ‘right’ thing. I have seen it.  Felt it. Understand it.  But Fuck, I don’t miss it. Being a prisoner in your own life in fear of judgment, I was exhausted concentrating in what I didn’t want in my life ever again. That was holding me back from really moving forward. Embracing the beautiful things I HAD done, and allowing myself to gain control of what I WANT! Making other peoples issues not my own but still remaining a good friend.  I’m ready to say goodbye to my 30’s and embrace this new decade with open arms.

THIS IS 40. Sometimes being an adult is awesome. Listening to the amazing people I have in my life, growing from my past, learning from it, making a difference and really taking the time to figure out what it is I really WANT, and to go after it.

Where I am today. I finished school, got an incredible career at Spa Utopia, moved into a new home, started from scratch yet again, hoping this time maybe I got it right. If not, I’ll try something else and keep going.

I will not focus on the things I don’t want, instead I will strive for what I want. Re-find my passion. Explore every day,without the fear of what others think. I know who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in and I love who I’ve become. I don’t own a house;I rent. I am not married; I am single. I love being alone; and not lonely. I’m not raising perfect kids; I’m raising good human beings, who are passionate and carefree about life. I don’t have it all together, but man together I have it all! I love my life. I’m grateful I got a second chance. I carry my heart on my sleeve, I am compassionate, loving and  I care about people. I want to share that. I’ve learned not to fall in love with every man that comes across my path. I learned to never settle again.

This is 40.

 

 

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