I was wondering how long it would take to write about this. It’s only fair. Real. Staying honest and raw. First and foremost with myself. I’ve hinted about it in my previous blogs. Not until last night after chatting with a friend on a date, I said to myself, “I need to let this out.” I contemplated posting this one. So personal. My date said something to me that hit home, “The cost of not doing something is usually greater than actually doing it.” Just like that, he inspired me to post it. Along with some other nudges from friends.
I always talk about the fact that the only time I’ve really felt love with another man is when I was 17. That is not true. In fact, it’s bullshit! There is ‘that guy’.. the other guy that I handed my heart to. Damn it! That’s a fucking gift. He’s so lucky!!!
Over the past 5 years, we have developed quite the bond, him and I. We’ve known each other 25 years. That’s pretty amazing. “If you love something. Sometimes it’s best to set it free.” For years I fought doing this, hoping he would be my guy; my man; my partner. We tried. Over and over and over again. Never seemed to get it right, did we? Two broken wings trying to fly… Sometimes you fall in love. When I saw him, I lost my breath. When I held him , it felt like home. When I kissed him, my soul felt full. That is truth. Felt so good. So missed. And a feeling I want every day. All day.
Time has healed. I have grown in strength. I have him in my life. I can love him. And finally, a big enough woman to know we don’t have to be together. He’s moving on. I’m moving on. We have each other in our lives, and have this incredible friendship that is far above anything else I’ve ever expected. Feels right. Telling him all about my ‘crazy,’ he still stand beside me. Guides me. Doesn’t judge me. Still eats all my food 😉 Letting go of the idea of being with him, has opened up room for someone else. Clearly, whoever that is, is going to be amazing. And if no one comes, I feel full. I never thought I’d write about him, us, or ‘this’. I feel that it truly is my way of closing ‘that chapter’ in my life. I, thank him.
He’s taught me so much about myself. Given me so much power as a woman in so many ways. Most importantly, the idea of wanting to be wanted is no longer there. That fucking game we played for years, feels so good to not have that! No drama. No confusion. No neediness. Just growth. Two people that love each other, and don’t have to be a couple.
I’m so happy I’ve learned to let him go. I’m so happy to call him my best friend… The guitar nights, the tv show nights, the singing nights, the hammock nights, the donair obsession… We can still have all those things. He is, “that guy’. That guy, that when I make room for someone else, I have a platform to build on. He did that for me. Gave me a foundation. Not to settle. Not to back down. Not to give up. How to be an independent woman, emotionally. How to protect my heart which turns out to be my proudest asset. The lucky bastard that gets it next time, huh?
I’m grateful. I know when I write and I cry, it’s a good thing. In this moment, the tears are flowing down my face. Not because I’m sad, because, I feel relief. We are truly blessed to have one another. We have a shoulder to cry on. A person that will always be there no matter what. I know we both have good friends that do this, but none of them were precious lovers. That’s what makes us so unique. Some people look at it as sad. I think most of our friends want us to be together more than we do. We are not sad. We are awesome. Nothing would make me happier than to see him with someone that fills his soul, makes him smile, warms his heart, and gives him what he deserves. I know she’s out there, and it’s not me. I know the feeling is mutual. I’m just so happy to be here. Here, being a place where I feel I’m ok to give this love thing another try. Know that the possibility of being hurt won’t kill me. He’s allowed me to know what I want, and not hate men in the meanwhile. I’m grateful to have him. Feels so good to be an adult.
Love you babe. Xo.
Time to move forward.