It’s pretty amazing what a few days off can do for my thoughts. Perhaps the fresh sage in the hot desert air, or the blue skies in a place I called home, caused me to reflect. I believe the most valuable part of self growth is to face your fears; acknowledge them. Beat them. Be inspired. Grow. “On the other side of fear lies freedom”, a tattoo on my body with every stage of self growth meaning something new.
How long am I going to lie to myself? How long before I face what I fear? Sexually, mentally, emotionally. I know where I stand. I’ve surrounded myself in a community of people that can’t hurt me emotionally; that I love, respect and admire. A comfort zone. I’ve developed the ability to become every mans best friend. My ability to give my body to someone sexually, no strings attached. The comfort of my own skin without having to share ‘ME’; safe. secure. How easy? How convenient? I’ve created so many barriers around my heart that has made it almost impossible for me to feel rejection, pain or disappointment. I’ve realized doing this, that I still have emotions, and emotions are ok. I will NOT sacrifice them anymore to make someone else feel comfortable at my expense. I have chosen the easy way out. Projecting an energy that says ‘no thank you, let’s just be buds’… so much easier. Or is it? Admitting, accepting; I want more. Bored of being second choice . Fun while it lasted. I desire more.
Eleven years of a destructive marriage. Dating on and off. Dysfunctions that I have zero interest in. Giving me zero tolerance for bullshit. Building my confidence is a beautiful thing. I’ve worked so hard to become the person I want my children to look up to. You see, when a confident man comes along, a person like myself can’t help but to be drawn to them like a magnet. “Oh, here is a normal one, so rare.” My fear of being rejected and perhaps not wanted. Admitting for the first time in a long time, that yes, I am totally fine alone. Perhaps I don’t want to be. Perhaps I’m ready for more. Perhaps *gasp… I want a relationship, (that was really hard to type by the way). The Osoyoos air has brought me to face what I’ve been pushing away for a long time, but I must allow my vulnerability to shine.
There is a myth you see.. the myth of when you stop the search for something or someone, it will come to you. Do I believe this? Somewhat. Am I sick of hearing it? Absolutely. I’m tired of being told that there must be something wrong with me if I’m still single. Like there’s something wrong with that?! I’m tired of hearing, “a woman must be with someone to be desirable,” because heaven forbid, she CAN survive being on her own. I don’t have to be with a partner in order to fill ‘the society quo’ that I’m doing the right thing. I stated in my last blog that I will not settle again. I would be lying to you and myself if I didn’t admit that I am ready for more. For ‘ME’, not for anyone else.
Breaking free from my very own, very protective self, breaking free from a comfort zone I created. I would like to find a man I desire. I used the word ‘deserve.’ That words meaning is that someone or something owes me. I am owed nothing. Ive learned to use the word DESIRE. I’ve discovered what it is that I desire in a man.I feel so rich. Not in money or objects. I want more. I want to share my amazing energy. My creativeness. My love. My madness!! Say how I feel. Mastering the ability to show my affection in hope that someone will notice. I’m craving facing this uncertainty of opening up myself and all.
After all I am a woman!!